Breakfast of Champions
by Blablover5
Summary: Let's face facts, leaving all the companions together in one place is just asking for constant firefights, fist fights, and hair pulling (Deacon's a dirty fighter) - so of course I do it all the time. Here's a little play about how all the companions of Fallout 4 sitting down to share a meal would go.


[Setting: interior and partial exterior of dilapidated home. Lone table with chairs piled around it.]

 **Cait** : Oi, what's for breakfast? I'm properly starving over here.

 **Codsworth** : Mum, I've just put the kettle on and have sliced up a small fruit tray for you. The porridge is just about set and a rasher of bacon is on the griddle.

 **Cait** : What are you on about?

 **MacCready** : The bucket of bolts means it's thrown a pot of radiated water onto the fire and ground up all the tato blossoms it could find into this soupy muck.

 **Cait** : I ain't having with that shit. Give me some real food. I'm hungry enough to go ghoul.

 **Hancock** : You know, I could help with that.

 **Danse** : Attempt to eat any of us and I will fill your filthy freak head with bullets.

 **Hancock** : Dishing up what you can't take again there tin can? I'd like to see you bat that fat lip around outside of your power armor.

 **Piper** : I don't think he ever takes it off, not even to sleep. Is that healthy, to spend so much time inside all that metal?

 **Valentine** : I never had much trouble, but then I don't sleep neither.

 **Danse** : You're all being insubordinate.

 **MacCready** : The tin can's mad we aren't jumping to attention. Yes, Sir. No, Sir. Know what I think. I bet he can't get it up outside of his metal suit.

 **Danse** : That's none of your…

 **Curie** : Oh, does Messier Danse suffer from a debilitating vertical malfunction? I could consult with some of ze wandering scientists and…

 **Preston** : No, it's a joke. An inside joke that I don't want to explain…ever.

 **Curie** : Ah, jokes. Yes, zay are very important for the mental health of your subjects. I know one. A vault-tec employee walks into a bar and says "Owe, I didn't tell ze Mr. Handy to install a bar there."

 **Preston** : That was a…good try.

 **Cait:** I don't give a bloody rats arse about your jokes or Danse's stick problem.

 **Danse:** I do not have any…

 **Cait:** Just get me some god damn food already!

 **Strong:** Here! Strong deliver! [Meat collapses onto the table, rattling it]

 **MacCready:** Is that…half a brahmin? Where the sh…where'd you get it?

 **Strong:** Strong find food! Eat!

 **Piper:** It's raw, and blood is oozing all over the table. The hide's still on! Ugh, and are those maggots on the skin?

 **Valentine:** I've never been happier to be a synth.

 **Hancock:** Looks fine to me.

 **Piper:** Not all of us smooth skins enjoy the taste of dead meat first thing in the morning.

 **Hancock:** Don't knock it until you try it.

 **Deacon:** Pretty sure that's a caravan strap dangling off the back there.

 **Preston:** Strong…

 **Strong:** Yes!

 **Preston:** Where exactly did you find this meat?

 **Strong:** Outside! Fresh! Tasty! Strong give his kingdom for a brahmin!

 **MacCready:** You stupid, fu…idiot. You killed the caravan's brahmin?

 **Strong:** Weren't using it! Strong eat!

 **Preston:** You can't just rip the caravan's pack animals in half, Strong.

 **Strong:** Why not?

 **Preston:** It's not nice.

 **Piper:** Or sanitary.

 **Strong:** Strong not find milk of human kindness? Oh…What if Strong put it back?

 **Hancock:** Now that'd be something to see.

 **Valentine:** Afraid that ain't gonna work, big guy.

 **MacCready:** The caravan's gonna be pissed, and probably looking for answers.

 **Deacon:** Well, if anyone asks we can say Super mutants did it.

 **Piper:** A very big, very foul smelling super mutant.

 **Cait:** If yer all done being complete arses, can we get to some real breakfast? My gut doesn't get fed and I'll be needing to punch something hard.

 **Hancock:** I volunteer Danse.

 **Danse:** You don't have the right, freak.

 **Hancock:** Right, smight. My odds are on the firecracker laying him out in the fifth round.

 **Valentine:** Five rounds seems generous, I'd give her three. The lady doesn't mess around.

 **Danse:** This is—

 **MacCready:** I've got to give it to Danse.

 **Danse:** Thank you.

 **MacCready:** His type always cheat when you're not looking.

 **Danse** : I would never!

 **Deacon:** See, I'd put it at a draw. Both of them punch the other out with one final blow and then boom, out of nowhere, a deathclaw…in a vertibird.

 **Piper:** Have you ever tried speaking one sentence that wasn't a complete lie?

 **Deacon:** I was hoping to get my start in the newspaper business.

 **Piper:** What are you implying, Deacon?

 **Deacon:** Didn't think I was subtle enough to be implying.

 **Curie:** Zis is most exciting. I shall have to consult my data matrices on the fight mechanics and calculate a most likely outcome…Yes, after analyzing all possible metrics I believe Cait would be triumphant.

 **Hancock:** Ha! The lady agrees with me.

 **Danse:** A doddering pile of pre-war tech is hardly credible.

 **MacCready:** Danse just discredited the entire Brotherhood. That's got to be grounds for a discharge there.

 **Danse:** You are all highly out of line. If it weren't for my sworn duty, why I'd—

 **Valentine:** Get your ass smacked around by Cait?

 **Danse:** I have suffered enough of your barbs, synth! You're little more than scraps of old alarm clocks and coffee pots slapped together to form a face.

 **Hancock:** Ouch, he's got your number there, Nick.

 **Danse:** And the filthy ghoul is even worse. Hiding behind a facade of charm and claiming to serve the people while filling the Commonwealth with addictive chems.

 **Hancock:** It ain't a bad way to live.

 **Danse:** Until you finally turn feral and one of us properly puts you down.

 **MacCready:** I doubt you'd wait for him to get peckish.

 **Danse:** Ah, yes, the hired gun. How could I forget what little you bring to the table? For all we know you are already in the Institute's back pocket or could be for enough caps.

 **Deacon:** Someone's asking to have all his fusion cores swiped and replaced with tin cans.

 **Danse:** You are worth even less than the bumbling Mr. Handy. When the Brotherhood finds every synth you've placed we will cut them down as the danger they are.

 **Deacon:** Just keep talking there tin head, maybe one day you'll believe your own shit.

 **Preston:** People, could we all please settle down. There's no reason to go tearing at each other's throats.

 **Cait:** I. Need. Food! AH! [Punches wildly]

 **Hancock:** Shit, never expected her to lay out Codsworth like that. Hey, you okay?

 **Codsworth:** Yes, Mum. Just experiencing some minor NUKA-COLA: A refreshing nukalear taste! Glitches. Hamsters. All should be rain as spain in the morning.

 **Valentine:** Okay, this is all fun and games but we shouldn't…

 **Strong:** STRONG PUNCH!

 **Cait:** I been wanting to have a go at the big guy for awhile now. Let's see how this ends!

 **Strong:** Strong smash? [ **Cait** lays into him]

 **Danse:** I will not stand for this insobordinat- [ **Hancock** whacks him in the back of the head with a tv tray]

 **Hancock:** Gimme another one, MacCready.

 **Danse:** You will wish you'd never crawled out of the radioactive muck, freak.

 **Hancock:** Having to look at your oozing brahmin face already did me in.

 **Preston:** Maybe I should head back to the Minutemen…

 **Piper:** I'm staying. Ghoul vs Brotherhood: Fight of the wasteland? Could be a great story.

 **MacCready** : Right, makes for perfect as-…wiping material there.

 **Piper:** You think you're one to talk?

 **MacCready:** Oh no, did I make the plucky reporter sad? Gonna write a little article about me?

 **Deacon:** Like they were gonna let you into Diamond City anyway.

 **Valentine:** You could lone him one of your little dress ups, Deacon.

 **Deacon:** Ugh, the wig'll come back smelling like wet merc and cheese.

 **MacCready:** Ouch, look how much of a sh…care I give.

 **Piper:** You'll be flattened by the power of the press. Just you see.

 **MacCready:** Right, I'm real sure.

[ **Strong** grabs the table and hurls it through the air]

 **Strong:** No talking! More Fighting!

 **Piper:** Couldn't have said it better myself. [ **Piper** hauls off to punch MacCready]

 **MacCready:** Have to be faster than- [ **Piper** lands a blow] Fu…dge! You're going down!

[ **Danse** bats Hancock away. **Deacon** and **Valentine** grab both of his arms]

 **Curie:** Does zis happen often?

 **Codsworth:** I believe we call this a Tuesday, Mum.

 **Curie:** Oh, delightful. I shall observe and categorize each attack. Yes, keep your hands up. That is best.

[ **Cait** leaps onto **Strong** 's back, shattering the ceiling fan]

[ **Hancock** grabs a broken fan blade and chucks it at **Danse** 's head]

[ **MacCready** dodges **Piper**. She stumbles into the porridge pot]

 **Piper:** You bastard? Do you know how hard it is to get leather clean?

 **MacCready:** Why don't you write about it?

 **Danse:** You will meet whatever unholy demon created you, ghoul.

 **Hancock:** Someone's all talk and no execution today. Bring it, tin can.

 **Preston:** I just wanted some breakfast.

 **Valentine:** At least it comes with a great show. Whoa!

[ **Cait** chucks **Strong** through the window, breaking the last bit of glass in the house]

[Far away the **Sole Survivor** watches as **Strong** rises from his fall and returns for more. A few warning shots break out in the house, ricocheting across the wasteland]

 **Sole Survivor:** This is why I only take Dogmeat.

 **Dogmeat:** Bark.


End file.
